The No. 1 Relationship No-no

It’s contempt…corrosive, eating-away-at-the-fabric-of-your-love, contempt.

Why is contempt so poisonous?  According to John Gottman, the primary researcher of all things relationship, contempt is one of what he calls, “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”, that is, the number one predictor of divorce.

And what is contempt, exactly?

It’s one of those things easy to spot when it comes roaring out at you in the middle of a fight with your beloved, but a little harder to notice when it’s more subtle (eye rolling) or when you’ve grown up with it.  In the latter case, you might wonder what’s the big deal? (because you’re so used to it).  But a big deal it is indeed.

Here are some examples:  running your partner down, belittling them, being mean, mocking, name calling, rolling your eyes, sneering, being disrespectful, using their vulnerability/wounds/shortcomings against them…ouch, right? 

I’ll give a concrete example…I was on the GO train on my way into Toronto (true story) and there was this couple sitting across from me…it was winter…anyway, one of the pair looked out at the snowy wonderland outside and said, “it would be really neat to go skating down there” - and it would’ve been - there was a lovely patch of ice on a winding ribbon of frozen river in the midst of a wood…and his partner, rather than appreciating his sentiment (a potential bid for connection - more on that in another post), responded with this:  “You? Skating?  You don’t even know how to swim…you’re such a loser.”  The words were just dripping with acidic contempt.  It was so poisonous and unexpected that I was tempted to lean forward and advise them to go get some good old fashioned Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.  That little exchange was a classic example of a reach for connection, responded to with contempt.  Can you imagine what it might’ve felt like on the receiving end?

But, Natalia, I only use contempt or say things like that when I’m at the end of my rope and I’ve tried everything else…

Right, so if you were trying to grow a plant and you had tried everything in your power and the plant was still not thriving, would you pour poison on it?  Of course not.  Well, think of contempt like poison for your relationship…it’ll kill it faster than anything else.

Okay, I get it, my clients say, but I’m still so hurt, angry, disappointed…my partner did Something Really Bad…what am I supposed to do with all those feelings? Doesn’t that justify dipping into contempt? 

Look, there’s lots of ways to express all those feelings - and it is important to share them, but here’s the thing, and this is key - you can do all that, without using contempt.  Yes, it’s riskier, it’s more vulnerable, it involves exposing your heart, your emotional underbelly and risks a response or non-response that could be hurtful…but there’s a chance, and hopefully a good one, that your partner is reachable and responds positively, reaching back to you…but if you go with contempt…it’s guaranteed to not work. If contempt is present, your partner will NEVER hear about how hurt/frustrated/sad/lonely you are - they’ll only hear some version of “I hate you and you’re a contemptible so-and-so of a human being.”

Even if contempt only comes out once in a blue moon, (which might make it seem less damaging), it’s still destructive - like going swimming and being attacked by a shark.  Are you ever going to go swimming in those waters again? 

Yep - contempt is a shark attack.  It’s pretty much guaranteed to keep your partner silent (especially if they weren’t great at opening up to begin with), to shut them down more, leaving them to appear unresponsive, uncaring and cold (unless your partner is less withdrawing and avoidant,  and then instead you might be inviting them into a contempt tit-for-tat sort of exchange).

So, unless your plan to is to ensure that closeness and connection are eroded and that your partner has an even harder time opening up to you, showing up for you, or being present in the relationship…find a kinder way to express your hurt, disappointment, frustration or anger. 

That's today's connection wisdom. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.