10 Relationship Do’s For a Close, Loving Bond

1. Do let your partner know that you see the ways that they show up for you.  Why is this important?  Because what you focus on, you get more of! 

And it’s easy sometimes to notice all the things your partner is doing wrong, or not enough of… 

Research tells us that the more you look for negativity in your partner, the more you see it and you may even see negativity where there isn’t any.  So when you focus on what your partner is doing “right”, you’ll get more of that.  It works the same with kids.  Most of us humans respond well to that kind of positive acknowledgement; we like it, we want more of it, so we’ll keep doing the thing that got us that attention in the first place.

2. Do have regular check-ins, a time to share how each of you are doing, both individually, and within the relationship.  Much better to set aside a time to address things that bother you, rather than waiting for a fight to bring them up (as anyone who’s tried this knows, a fight is the least likely time for a productive resolution of whatever is bothering you).  I recommend setting aside time at least once a month (weekly is  great too).  Go out for a coffee, or create a dedicated space within the home where you have the privacy to sit and chat. This is a time to also share the things you love and appreciate about your partner. 

A check in is like being the gardener that looks over the garden and attends to the needs of the garden - weeding, fertilizing, watering…in relationship this includes advocating for our own needs within the duality, addressing difficult topics/feelings/issues, talking about our hopes, dreams, and challenges, for ourselves, each other, and our family.  This is one of the ways that couples connect.  It’s important.

3 Do get educated about sex - it will help you to get good at sex (and if you’re already good, it’ll help you be better, enjoy it more and avoid some common couple sexual pitfalls).  Learn not only about each other’s bodies, but about how your bodies work - from a reliable educator and not just from TikTok or a GQ article where the author/content creator may or may not know what they’re talking about.  Navigating differences or changes in libido can be incredibly challenging and sexual ignorance can deeply exacerbate this issue - sometimes therapeutic intervention is called for.  I’m a huge advocate for good, basic sex education - it would so prevent some of the issues I’ve seen showing up in my office.

4. Do learn to be vulnerable with each other.  This is incredibly important if you want a close, connected bond…closeness and depth isn’t possible without vulnerability.  And vulnerability can be a very scary thing, especially for anyone with a trauma history, where emotional safety and possibly physical safety was compromised or non-existent.  Healing old wounds can be essential in helping us to learn how to be vulnerable again.

5. Do be emotionally responsive.  Emotional responsiveness means what it says - that you respond to your partner’s emotional cues with a responsive (but not reactive) emotion…you’re able to feel your feelings.  According to research, it’s what we’re looking for in our relationships today. Sadly, the challenge for many relationships is that men are still being socialized to neither be vulnerable nor emotionally responsive - two key relationship components.